1
00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:04,837
What's this one called?
2
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:06,071
A platypus.
3
00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,406
It's ugly.
4
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,508
Bri, I'm looking for a pet
5
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,610
not a date to the prom.
6
00:00:13,948 --> 00:00:15,347
What are you guys looking at?
7
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,383
It's a book
about animals of the world.
8
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:21,320
ALF's trying to decide which one
he wants to get for a pet.
9
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:23,956
We already have a cat.
10
00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:26,725
But you told me
to never play with my food.
11
00:00:27,962 --> 00:00:30,596
Why do you want a pet?
12
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:32,564
Why does anyone want a pet?
13
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,900
The ultimate in power trips.
14
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:37,870
Bugs him
that I'm taller than he is now.
15
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,639
Well, power trips aside
16
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,207
there's no room in this house
17
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,376
for another pet
just at the moment.
18
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,545
Precisely why
I'm leaning towards a pet
19
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,447
we could keep outside.
20
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:51,984
i.e. your basic barnyard horse.
21
00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:54,019
Here's the '89 Mustang.
22
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:56,889
We won't be getting a horse
23
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:59,858
or any other
barnyard-type animal
24
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,326
for that matter.
25
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,595
Thank you.
26
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,698
Let's wait until after dinner
to broach the buffalo.
27
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:11,637
[theme music]
28
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,601
[music continues]
29
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,431
[instrumental music]
30
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,033
Yeah. Yeah. Yee-haw.
31
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,668
Uh, ooh. Oh.
32
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:20,239
Whoa, whoa, boy. Whoa! Whoa! Oh.
33
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:22,341
I'mma not gonna fight
34
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,476
unless you take off
that funny hat
35
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,412
with the buckle on it, pilgrim.
36
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:32,618
Oh, not again.
37
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:36,955
Get me a horse,
or you're dead where you stand.
38
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:39,992
If you could, uh, dismount
for a moment
39
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,927
there's something
I'd like to show you.
40
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:45,864
Alright. This saddle's
giving me splinters anyway.
41
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,599
Whoa, boy, whoa!
42
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:52,671
I decided it might be good
for you to have a pet after all.
43
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,807
Oh, thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!
44
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,143
I'll feed him oats every day.
45
00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:02,447
I'll even name him after you.
White Beauty.
46
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:06,685
It's not a horse,
but it's something
47
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,454
I think you'll like
just as much.
48
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,457
You got me a pet beach?
49
00:03:12,459 --> 00:03:14,426
Look closer.
50
00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,262
Bugs under glass.
51
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,965
It's an ant farm.
52
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:23,936
You're right, Willie. This is
just like having a horse.
53
00:03:23,938 --> 00:03:26,405
You actually paid money
for this?
54
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,775
I paid 7.99, plus tax.
55
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:31,843
You were robbed!
56
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,745
An old soda bottle left outdoors
57
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:36,481
gives you the same effect.
58
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,083
You're missing the point, ALF.
59
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,718
Ants are fascinating.
60
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,688
And with this, you get a chance
to watch them work
61
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:46,191
and play
in a natural environment.
62
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:47,693
Willie, you call green windmills
63
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,896
and plastic trees
a natural environment?
64
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:53,465
Ants don't care about that.
65
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,634
All they want
is a place to tunnel
66
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,670
and dirt
they can call their own.
67
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:00,606
So where do I fit in?
68
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:01,807
Well, they're your pets.
69
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,642
You get to feed
and care for them.
70
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:07,846
And in return, they-they let you
in to their private lives.
71
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,815
They live in a picture window!
72
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:13,685
What kind of private lives
can they have?
73
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:16,355
Would you rather I return them?
74
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:19,891
Could they be exchanged
for something with fewer legs
75
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,060
and a saddle?
76
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:25,063
[instrumental music]
77
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,966
Okay.
78
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,537
Here, boy.
79
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:35,741
There you go. Go fetch.
80
00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:39,077
Alright now, bring it back!
Come on!
81
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,612
Hey, I'm over here!
82
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,414
[footsteps approaching]
83
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,383
- Hey, ALF.
- Hey, ALF.
84
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,585
Well, if it isn't
the Tanner kids.
85
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,054
What brings you two
to this neck of the attic?
86
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,424
We just wanted to ask
how your ant farm was going.
87
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:55,294
- So ask.
- How's it going?
88
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:56,862
Don't ask.
89
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:59,464
They're not bonding
like I had hoped.
90
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,900
- What's wrong?
- I don't know.
91
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:04,603
I can't get these guys
to do anything.
92
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,905
All they care about
is building tunnels.
93
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,408
But that's what ants do, ALF.
94
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:13,745
How am I supposed to teach them
to sit and beg and speak?
95
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:17,683
You're not.
Ants aren't like other pets.
96
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:19,384
I guess you're right.
97
00:05:19,386 --> 00:05:23,889
It's just that ant-farming
has a tendency to be uneventful.
98
00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:27,693
Sort of like working security
at a Pat Boone concert.
99
00:05:29,063 --> 00:05:31,296
But see, that's the way
mom and dad work.
100
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,565
They start you off small,
and then when you've proven
101
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,467
that you can handle
the responsibility
102
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,803
they'll let you have
something bigger.
103
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:41,673
So if I take care of these ants,
I could have, what, big ants?
104
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,375
My first pet was a turtle.
105
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:45,577
Oh, that must've been exciting.
106
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:48,680
Like watching a rock walk.
107
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,849
Have you read
this question-and-answer section
108
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,284
of your ant-watchers manual?
109
00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:56,021
No. I was saving that
for bathroom reading.
110
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:57,889
Question.
111
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,791
"Do ants work all of the time?"
112
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,893
Answer,
"No, they work very hard
113
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,829
but they like to play, too."
114
00:06:03,831 --> 00:06:07,499
I think she's right, ALF.
Look at those two.
115
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,568
It looks like they're wrestling.
116
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,670
Get out of town!
117
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,806
Oh, hey! Look at that!
118
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:18,110
He's got him in a facelock!
He's going to..
119
00:06:18,112 --> 00:06:21,646
Ooh! Ooh,
right against the canvass!
120
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:24,883
Hey, ALF, look!
Now it's a tag-team match.
121
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:28,553
Oh! Oh, he's got him
in a 12-Nelson.
122
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,655
That can't be legal.
123
00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:34,326
[instrumental music]
124
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:40,232
Yo, Kate,
I've got an etiquette question.
125
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:44,369
Do you throw white
or brown rice at a wedding?
126
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,138
I'd have to say white.
127
00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:47,706
Don't you think, Willie?
128
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:50,675
Definitely brown.
That'd be gauche.
129
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,811
Thank you.
130
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,782
(ALF)
'Mazel tov! Mazel tov!'
131
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:59,551
'Throw the bouquet!'
132
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,720
Hey! Hey, ALF!
133
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,021
(ALF)
'In a second, Willie.'
134
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:06,324
'I'm taking pictures
for the wedding album.'
135
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,059
Wedding album?
136
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:12,631
Hey, what's going on in here?
137
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,867
Oh, would you look
at this mess?
138
00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:17,836
Friends of the bride
139
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:20,071
or friends of the groom?
140
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:23,308
- What bride? What groom?
- Mattie and David.
141
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:26,244
The two crazy kids
who just tied the knot.
142
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:30,348
Hey, come on, you love bugs,
give us a smile.
143
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,520
Willie, look,
something is going on inside.
144
00:07:35,522 --> 00:07:37,722
I think they're dancing.
145
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,891
Well, they're moving.
146
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:43,061
Well, the couple on the left,
Peg and Bob Becken
147
00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:47,199
they came all the way in
from tunnel nine for this.
148
00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:50,235
Hey, hey, Willie, would you mind
snapping a picture of me
149
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,503
and the wedding party?
150
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,305
I guess not.
151
00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:54,739
Alright, everybody.
152
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:56,975
Say "Picnic."
153
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,411
Did I blink?
154
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,313
I don't think so, no.
155
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:04,749
You seem to have changed
your mind about ants, ALF.
156
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:06,952
I couldn't help it, Kate.
157
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:09,955
They've made me
a part of their lives.
158
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,624
We've broken bread together.
159
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:14,392
Well, actually, I broke it.
160
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:17,062
They just carried it around
on their heads.
161
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,731
Be honest now, ALF.
162
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,533
Aren't you glad
I got you that ant farm
163
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:24,035
instead of some silly old horse?
164
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:27,205
Let's be realistic, Willie.
A horse is a horse.
165
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,841
- Of course.
- Of course.
166
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,409
Well, if you'll excuse me
167
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,645
I've got to pick up
some rotting fruit.
168
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:36,047
I'm catering this affair.
169
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:39,751
¶ But he's got high hopes ¶
170
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,854
¶ He's got high hopes ¶
171
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,856
¶ He's got high.. ¶¶
172
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:48,059
[instrumental music]
173
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:50,896
[footsteps approaching]
174
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,064
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, Lynn. Is ALF around?
175
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,934
No. I'm waiting for him
so I can show him this calendar.
176
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:59,137
"Alan Thicke's World Of Ants."
177
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:01,072
Each month highlights a new ant.
178
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,575
This month
it's the fungus feeders
179
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,378
of South America.
180
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:10,081
Isn't it amazing how ugly things
get when they're magnified?
181
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,251
Did-did you bring ALF
something, too?
182
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:15,487
Oh, yeah, I just got
a few little things
183
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,188
to dress up the farm.
184
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,324
There's some plastic cows
and sheep.
185
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,593
I think there's even a tractor
in there somewhere.
186
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,328
[gasps]
He's gonna love these.
187
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,931
- Can I set them up?
- Yeah, sure.
188
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:27,999
Look at all this stuff!
189
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:32,070
There's sand refills,
there's liquid feeder.
190
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,606
There's even
a plastic ant model kit.
191
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,342
Uh, careful with that, dad
I think the glue's still wet.
192
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,443
Oh.
193
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,379
Yeah, it is.
194
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:48,353
Dad, I think there's something
wrong with ALF's ants.
195
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,554
They're not moving.
196
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,989
Well, they're probably scared
197
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:52,023
because you moved them.
198
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,992
Put 'em back, they'll be okay.
199
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,494
I don't think so.
200
00:09:56,496 --> 00:10:00,265
I neglected to mention they're
also curled up on their backs.
201
00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:07,572
Are they..
202
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,874
- They are.
- Tsk.
203
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:12,177
I guess it was the sun
that did it.
204
00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:14,312
They've probably been
baking there all morning.
205
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,048
¶ Whoops there goes
a billion kilowatts ¶
206
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,718
¶ Whoops there goes
a billion kilowatts ¶
207
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,286
¶ Whoops there.. ¶¶
208
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:25,190
Hi, Lynne Helm. Will Helm.
209
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:28,560
- Hi, ALF.
- Hi, ALF.
210
00:10:28,562 --> 00:10:30,562
I brought you a present, ALF.
211
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:35,066
Hey! An ant calendar.
Thanks, Lynnie.
212
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:39,137
The boys love reading
about their distant cousins.
213
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,741
ALF, I think there's something
you should know about your ants.
214
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:45,844
I know, I know. Ants can't read.
215
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,746
It's just a little
anthropomorphic game
216
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:50,615
I like to play with them.
217
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:54,085
Actually, I was referring
to something else.
218
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,120
What?
219
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,922
Well, you remember you told me
220
00:10:57,924 --> 00:11:00,058
what happens to orbit gnats
221
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:03,662
when they fly too close
to your ship's heat shield?
222
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:06,598
Yeah. Crispy critters.
223
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,101
Well, the same thing
can happen to an ant
224
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,904
when it's left in the sun
too long.
225
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,242
They look dead.
226
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,645
They are dead.
227
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:22,580
You sure
they're not sun-tanning?
228
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,386
[gasps]
229
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,555
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF.
230
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,824
Aah! Ah!
231
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:36,061
My poor little goombahs.
232
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:39,597
An hour ago
they were working the farm!
233
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,967
And now they've bought it.
234
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:46,971
[instrumental music]
235
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,914
[instrumental music]
236
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,251
[footsteps approaching]
237
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,491
You mind if I come in?
238
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:07,559
Eh.
239
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:12,330
I brought you a sandwich.
240
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:15,366
Thanks.
But I'm not really hungry.
241
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:19,070
Okay. Maybe later.
242
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,576
You wanna talk?
I'm trained in this area.
243
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:28,646
What's there to say?
My friends are gone.
244
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:32,817
I turned their home
into an Easy Bake Oven.
245
00:12:32,819 --> 00:12:35,086
Case closed.
246
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,122
It was an accident, ALF.
247
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:39,591
You didn't do it intentionally.
248
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:42,227
Well, I keep thinking that
none of this would've happened
249
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:44,763
if I hadn't shampooed, rinsed
250
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:48,066
and repeated so many times.
251
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:50,401
People always need a reason
when they've had a loss.
252
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,605
Guilt,
it's a very natural reaction.
253
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:56,875
- Yeah? What about anger?
- It's very common.
254
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,644
Well, good, 'cause I'm peeved
at you for getting me
255
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,514
that ant farm
in the first place!
256
00:13:02,516 --> 00:13:05,784
Well, that's good, ALF. Let it
out, let it, let it all out.
257
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:09,354
[breathing heavily]
I'm also mad at you
for not getting me that horse!
258
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:12,590
Horses are more resilient when
it comes to direct sunlight.
259
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,292
Yeah. Keep going on.
260
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,627
Uh, are you angry
at anyone else?
261
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,562
Yeah, yeah,
now that you mentioned it
262
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:21,432
CBS, for pulling the plug
on "Frank's Place."
263
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,104
Feeling better?
264
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,740
Actually, no.
265
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,943
If you want
266
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,045
I could get you
another ant farm.
267
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:38,416
Right, and if Kate kicks,
I'll get you another redhead.
268
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,953
I know it's hard for you
to believe right now
269
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,656
but tomorrow
you're gonna feel better
270
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:48,059
and then the next day
you'll feel even better
271
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:51,329
until one day, you'll actually..
272
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,766
...feel better.
273
00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:57,769
Are you sure this is the area
you're trained in?
274
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:02,140
[instrumental music]
275
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,845
[chuckles]
276
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,613
Kate..
277
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:09,914
Cut it out.
278
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:11,015
(Kate)
'Huh?'
279
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,685
[chuckling]
280
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:16,020
Tickling me.
281
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,256
No, I'm not touching you.
282
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,164
There are ants on me.
283
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,468
There, there are ants
in my pajamas.
284
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:33,905
There are ants everywhere.
285
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:36,341
Yes, yes.
I-I can see that, dear.
286
00:14:37,611 --> 00:14:40,979
[clears throat]
I'll just get the bug spray.
287
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,647
I'll help you.
288
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:48,186
(Kate)
'Why are there so many ants
in the house all of a sudden?'
289
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,689
Perhaps
these strategically-placed
290
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,992
dishes of food
might give us a clue.
291
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:57,328
Ah, just once I would like
to walk into this kitchen
292
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,530
and not find something
all over the floor.
293
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:02,066
Just go into the other room,
Kate. I'll-I'll spray in here.
294
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:05,470
Why don't we just burn
the place down and start over?
295
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:09,140
That'd be plan B. Plan A is
where's the bug spray?
296
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,175
I threw it away.
297
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,046
Why did you do this?
298
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,448
Do what?
Throw away the bug spray?
299
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:20,184
Or set up
the teeny-weeny truck stops?
300
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,655
Eventually, you're going
to have to explain both
301
00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:26,891
so start where you like
and stop when I tell you.
302
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,660
I'm dedicating my life
303
00:15:28,662 --> 00:15:32,697
to the care and preservation
of the ant species.
304
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:37,802
ALF, if you leave food
all over the house
305
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,605
we are going to have ants
everywhere.
306
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,740
It's the least
I can do for them
307
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:46,210
after I wiped out
their kinfolk and everything.
308
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,113
ALF, inviting the remainder
309
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,482
of the Earth's ant population
into our house
310
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:54,218
isn't gonna bring back
your ant farm.
311
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:56,387
But I'll feel better.
312
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:59,190
ALF, you've got
to get over this.
313
00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:02,427
I failed to protect
my pet ants, Willie.
314
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:05,196
I'm not gonna fail
with the general ant public.
315
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,332
[sighs]
Trust me, ALF.
316
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,167
Your ants stand
a much better chance of survival
317
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,970
outside of my kitchen.
318
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:13,638
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
319
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,808
Nothing doing.
This time he's mine.
320
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,977
No, wait, wa.. Kate.
321
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:21,212
ALF might not feel as bad
about losing his ants
322
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,115
if he just had a chance
to say goodbye to them formally
323
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:27,819
like, you know, uh,
like a memorial service.
324
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:30,188
A funeral for ants?
325
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,424
What a lovely idea.
326
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:36,527
- But I don't think it'll help.
- Well, sure it will, ALF.
327
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:40,999
Rituals are a very effective way
of dealing with grief.
328
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:43,301
I'm just not up to it.
329
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,503
You'll have a funeral,
we'll all come
330
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,338
it'll be very touching!
331
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,874
[shouting]
And it'll be over, right?
332
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,643
Right.
333
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:55,680
Then we'll have a picnic.
334
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,952
[instrumental music]
335
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,760
Is this the wreath
you were talking about?
336
00:17:08,762 --> 00:17:10,795
Yes. Thank you.
337
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,631
Where shall I put it?
338
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:17,235
Anywhere near the tombstones
will be fine.
339
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:31,015
Very thoughtful.
340
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,650
I thought so.
341
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:39,624
Kate! Isn't that dress
a little loud for the occasion?
342
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:43,227
Well, forgive me. I have
no maternity funeral wear.
343
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,664
- Shall we begin?
- We shall.
344
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,100
Please, my friends, sit, relax
345
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,202
make yourselves comfortable.
346
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,004
Can I take off my armband?
347
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:54,839
No!
348
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:58,743
Before I start, I would like
to thank Kate Tanner
349
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,547
for the lovely picnic basket
and fixings.
350
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,215
And also Brian Tanner
351
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:07,351
for helping me eat
all those ice-cream bars
352
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:10,021
that provided
those lovely headstones.
353
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,824
[clapping]
354
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,564
We gather here today
to pay homage
355
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,233
to a colony of mirth-makers
356
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:26,537
known affectionately
as my ants.
357
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:30,842
In five short days
358
00:18:30,844 --> 00:18:32,743
these wiry sexpeds
359
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:36,447
tunneled a pathway
into our hearts.
360
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:40,284
Now they rest beside me
361
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,620
symmetrically placed
362
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:47,024
victims of an unkind midday sun.
363
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,364
At this time
it would be appropriate
364
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:57,502
to say a few kind words
in their memory.
365
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:00,404
Willie, would you start us off?
366
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,676
Uh, yeah. Sure.
367
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,181
I didn't know the ants
as well as ALF.
368
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,416
I don't think anybody did.
369
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,653
But, to me
370
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,257
they embodied the word
"Friendly."
371
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:23,461
Their house was your house.
372
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,831
I shall miss them.
373
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,038
Well, uh..
374
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,106
Of all the ants I've ever known
375
00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:38,409
they were the most contained.
376
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:44,582
I'll miss them, too.
377
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:47,084
They were very industrious.
378
00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:48,853
So long, guys.
379
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,856
[whispers]
Go.
380
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,526
I liked Spunky.
381
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,762
The long one with the big head.
382
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:01,098
He could really dig.
383
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,971
But, of course,
he was just one of many.
384
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:11,108
There were Sybil
and Jerry, who worked graveyard
385
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:14,045
so they could spend their days
with the larvae.
386
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:16,681
Chad, Tyler
387
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:20,351
Zach, Logan and Jenna and also--
388
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,653
- ALF.
- Yes, Kate?
389
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,622
- Something to add?
- Uh..
390
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,057
I was just wondering
if your eulogy
391
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,091
was gonna be much longer.
392
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,459
There's a stream of ants
393
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:30,861
swarming all over the food.
394
00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,497
They're mourners, Kate.
395
00:20:33,499 --> 00:20:35,833
No. They're after the chicken.
396
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,703
Okay. I'll cut to the chase.
397
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:41,706
"Goodbye, Abner, Allen, Alicia
398
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:45,009
"Amy, Aunt Bee, Auntie Emma
399
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:47,411
Esther, Est, Eunice.."
400
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,313
[instrumental music]
401
00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:52,516
[ALF chomping]
402
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,122
I see you found
the picnic leftovers.
403
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:00,558
It's amazing!
404
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,494
I almost got my appetite back.
405
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:07,031
Amazing.
You ate all that chicken?
406
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:10,568
Yeah. I didn't even want
the last two pieces.
407
00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:13,004
It was just the momentum.
408
00:21:13,006 --> 00:21:16,207
Well, you seem to be back
to your old self.
409
00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:20,745
I guess. But I still have
this dull ache inside.
410
00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:22,146
You've been through
a great deal of pain
411
00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:23,581
in the last 24 hours, ALF.
412
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,883
It's just your body
responding to that.
413
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:29,387
Nah. I think
it's Kate's potato salad.
414
00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:32,056
I've had problems with it
before.
415
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:33,157
[burps]
416
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:37,995
[instrumental music]
417
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:44,769
- What's that, ALF?
- It's a letter!
418
00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:47,271
From "The Morton Downey Show."
419
00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:48,973
"Dear Mr. Shumway
420
00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:51,242
"thank you
for your recent suggestion
421
00:21:51,244 --> 00:21:56,080
that we devote a segment
to the civil rights of ants."
422
00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:59,350
Yes! Yes!
423
00:21:59,352 --> 00:22:01,285
"Unfortunately
424
00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:03,621
"we find the topic unsuitable
425
00:22:03,623 --> 00:22:06,457
for our current needs."
426
00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:09,527
No. No.
427
00:22:10,229 --> 00:22:12,530
Wait. There's more.
428
00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:14,265
Uh, "We are, however,
very interested
429
00:22:14,267 --> 00:22:17,401
"in having you appear
on an upcoming segment entitled
430
00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:22,073
'Obsessive Compulsives With
Too Much Time On Their Hands.'"
431
00:22:22,075 --> 00:22:25,009
And Willie said I was crazy
to send that letter.
432
00:22:27,447 --> 00:22:30,648
[theme music]
433
00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:35,953
[theme music]
434
00:23:00,313 --> 00:23:03,314
[ALF laughing]
435
00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:07,284
[instrumental music]